All of these inconsistent and contradictory disorganized behaviors can be incredibly challenging for a spouse to cope with.

It may often feel like attachment styles are permanent. Yet, with knowledge, understanding, and the right skill-set, forming healthy relationships with a disorganized attachment style is entirely possible. However, once someone with this attachment style starts to recognize their triggers and how they react to them, they can regulate their responses in more healthy ways. Another withdrawal behavior that a disorganized attacher may engage in when attempting to distance themselves from relationship intimacy is infidelity. This isn’t to suggest that all disorganized attachers cheat in relationships. According to research, however, someone with a disorganized attachment style may be more likely to act out sexually in an attempt to connect without intimacy. Regardless of whether you’re romantically involved with a disorganized attacher, or if they’re platonic to you but nevertheless important in your life, then the below tips are transferable to most circumstances. What may often come across as irrational and hurtful behavior from a disorganized partner is actually their way of coping with fear within the relationship.If someone with a disorganized attachment style is struggling in the aftermath of a breakup, it’s important for them not to shut down their emotions and instead attempt to express them to a trusted friend or family member. If they do not feel comfortable doing so, then mental health professionals can help them to process their attachment issues and any pain associated with a breakup, so as to reach more balanced patterns of feelings and behaviors. As a result, the child doesn’t know when their caregiver will meet their needs – or if they will at all. Consequently, they cannot bond securely with their caregiver and may try to forge a sense of closeness with them to satisfy their need for proximity and affection. However, the child also realizes that they need to distance themselves from their caregiver as a form of self-protection. However, inevitably, the negative feelings associated with the breakup will catch up with the disorganized attacher, and they may experience further reductions in self-esteem. For this reason, the disorganized attachment style is associated with rushing into rebound relationships or “flings” in an attempt to distract themselves from the negative emotions associated with the end of a relationship. Mikulincer, M., Shaver, P.R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics, and Change. Guilford Press. It's about an on-and-off relationship. She and her guy are on the way to break up but she can't decide what to do. Even though the romance isn't good for her (or them) she loves him more anything you could imagine and that guy means the world to her. She's afraid of being alone.

These contrasting behaviors are due to the central component of the disorganized attachment style being fear within relationships. In truth, the disorganized attachment style is considered to be the most difficult form of insecure attachment to manage – disorganized adults strongly desire love and acceptance but simultaneously fear that those closest to them will hurt them. From the disorganized attachment viewpoint, rejection, disappointment, and hurt in relationships are inevitable – it’s just a matter of “when”. As the above points suggest, the traits of the disorganized attachment style can make relationship stability and longevity a challenge. Someone with a disorganized attachment style in relationships might have problems expressing their emotions to their loved ones because they either have difficulty interpreting their feelings or else fear a negative response for doing so. Chopik, W. J., Edelstein, R. S., & Grimm, K. J. (2019). Longitudinal changes in attachment orientation over a 59-year period. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 116(4), 598–611.According to Attachment Theory, when a caregiver is sensitive and attuned to their child’s needs during their formative years (the first eighteen months), the child develops a sense of safety and stability. They develop a secure attachment style. Try to understand that what they are feeling is very real to them, even if their behavior seems bizarre. They’re likely not trying to hurt you – but their actions are the only way they’ve learned how to manage instability in their life. IV. Listen to their concerns Although dating someone with a disorganized attachment style is bound to have its challenges from time to time, successful disorganized attachment dating is entirely possible with understanding, patience, and the right skill set. Despite often confusing actions to the contrary, disorganized attachers want relationships – they want to love and be loved. However, they’re also afraid that their partners will betray their trust, so they struggle to let others “in”.