Her Name in the Sky

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You’re so much better than you even know,” Lisa says one afternoon when they’re sitting in Chaeyoung’s car, talking through Chaeyoung’s latest argument with her mom. “You’re just—you’re so—I wish you could believe me—” Lisa nods very carefully, not wanting to betray her insistent heart or the steam inside of her. Then Chaeyoung turns her head—Lisa can sense it with every nerve inside of her—and kisses Lisa’s cheek. Lisa stills all over, begging her heart to stay balanced where it is, until Chaeyoung moves away from her, as casual as a breeze on the bayou, and opens the refrigerator.

They spend every weekend together, wrapped securely in the knowledge that it is still early in the semester, that they do not have to worry about college and new lives until spring is in full bloom, that for now they are simply six high school kids allowed to plan their lives around Friday night hangouts and Saturday night parties. Lisa knows the terrain of her kingdom: she knows what it is like to steal away to Waffle House to meet her friends late at night, to lie on the floor at Jungkook’s house and throw ice cubes at him when he tries to make them all talk about sex, to spend her Friday afternoons riding in Chaeyoung’s car with the country station playing and the vanilla scent of the car freshener seeping into her clothes. Interrupt yourself halfway through, make your eyes go wide, and shout, OH MY GOD! I JUST SAW JESUS UP THERE IN THE STANDS! Her Name in the Sky is one of the best novels I’ve read that covers the day-by-day thoughts and experiences of a teenage girl dealing with learning her sexuality. Hannah is a highly relatable character, with her doubt, her pleas to God to “make it go away”, and suffering both happiness and guilt from her love for Baker. Her story reflects that of millions of other lesbians who first react negatively upon realizing their sexuality and the terror of their entire lives being uprooted by the knowledge. As my first reaction to my own sexuality was shame and horror, many of the things she thought or said resonated with me. As a result, the novel reached much deeper than any of the others I’ve read. Still, I believe anyone can get immersed in this book whether they had similar experiences or not. Quindlen is honest and to-the-point in her story. Hannah wrote me a list of Dares for the assembly, Baker says, unfolding the notebook paper Hannah had slipped her that morning. Look at this.

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Yeah,” Jisoo says, “but between that and Jungkook dumping her ass, I doubt she’s gonna be our best friend anytime soon.” What are y’all on today?” she says. “Save some of this energy for the game tonight! Let’s all bid farewell to Mr. Tiger, and then we’ll start dismissal with the freshmen.” Chaeyoung tenses. Jungkook pokes his tongue into his cheek and says, “Come on, Sana. We’re just taking a five-minute break.”

And I realized,” Chaeyoung says, taking a breath, “that there’s one thing I haven’t truly given you yet, and that’s me. My self. My whole self. Without the fear or the shame. Just with love, and abandon.” Her voice shakes, but her eyes are clear. “Is that okay?” Baker laughs along with the rest of the gym. She runs a hand through her hair, her smile relaxed and unguarded like it is when she tells Hannah stories late at night. “Hi, y’all,” she says. A romantic ode to the strength of love and the power of choosing each other, against odds and obstacles, again and again. Kim Seokjin: O ye of little tiny baby faith. I’m walking down the hall now! You know if you bring me food then I’m there. Jisoo hurry up or I’m going to steal yours and I won’t regret itJust something small. Just the six of us. I didn’t think you’d want anything crazy, especially after that pep rally and the game— I find the whole thing weird, Hannah says. Making schools vie against each other for something that doesn’t even mean anything? Still, she pushes it down inside of her, buries it as far as it can go, suffocates it in the space between her stomach and her heart. She tells herself that she is stronger, that she can fight it, that she has control. That no one else has to know.