I don’t think that lightens the tragedy, I think people need to know how bad it is and how bad it can get. The actual reality of abusing one’s partner this way instead of just giggling about taboo sex. I thank you for sharing your story, people need to know how bad it is. You have knowledge S never had — he was devoted and UNKNOWING. You KNOW what kind of person L is, and you chose to be devoted to her. To not tell her secrets. To maintain that friendship. You just got a very brutal example of how L treats her devotees. And you’re asking me if you should continue? WTF?

He hired her because of her qualifications and I am sure the fact that she presents an attractive appearance, was a plus. No real remorse from my XH, either. He said he was, “An old man flattered by the attentions of a beautiful young woman.” So flattered, in fact, that he left me for her. If the situation was reversed, if you were having the affair, would HE be okay with you working with OM? Absolutely not! He’d probably do what Richard Gere did in “Unfaithful”– kill OM and hide the body. I know I toyed with the idea more than once… The journalistic guidelines for reporting of death by suicide (at least in UK) advise that method of death is not disclosed, because there is a lot of research about how reporting of method makes imitation more likely. Details here: https://www.samaritans.org/about-samaritans/media-guidelines/media-guidelines-reporting-suicide/ Young, attractive, confident, going places – they want to hitch a ride on our A train. But they don’t want to see, hear about, or God forbid PAY for the maintenance, so when we inevitably run off the rails through years of wear, tear, and neglect, they find another train, toss us aside, and proclaim, “You’re not the woman I married.”Why are you friends with someone who makes you want to gouge your eye’s out? Who enlists you in conspiracies? Take that all away, bury me beneath diapers and bills, and replace “can do” with “is that it?” and what have you got? A shadow of my former self.

I DEMANDED that OW be removed for XH’s lab and that he stop being her mentor. He refused, saying, “I can’t do that, it would ruin her career, blah, blah, blah.” I see the betrayal as a way for the “friends” to justify their relationship with the ‘ex’. It doesn’t bother me. In fact, provides a great opportunity to make a statement. When I opened my eyes I saw around me how many talented, giving, extremely intelligent, people were conned every day. God, same. I’m never doing eggshells again, it’s a tactic designed purely to undermine a person and make them ultimately doubt their right to even speak. Remember that horrible cult classic film “They live” with Roddy Piper. Where Roddy with the right sunglasses could see the horrible aliens underneath the beautiful facade???He grew up in a broken household where XFIL was a serial cheater and frequently gone, and XMIL was a basket case and frequently abusive (both physically and emotionally). XH often told me when we were dating that I was a “dream come true”– a beautiful girl from a stable family – everything he always wanted. Who knew he was lying? I certainly didn’t. Understanding about the guilt and shame actually made me MORE of a chump!!! Because I thought, fool that I was, that you could love a person enough and support them enough for them to be able to grow and learn to deal in a healthier way w/the guilt and shame. And I assumed that he actually did feel bad, but couldn’t apologize properly because he felt overwhelmed by the shame. You know how Voldemort in those first Harry Potter films what referred to as “He who shall remain nameless”?

But there ARE some men out there who DO “walk the walk.” Here’s a controversial story out of Iowa, about a dentist firing his “best assistant” because he was becoming too attracted to her: Most people (and I think most cheaters ~ even serial ones) are capable of feeling Guilt and Shame, but their tolerance for this type of unpleasant emotion is so very low as to be almost non-existent. Where the rest of us would simply feel lousy and work through it, they find the feelings brought on by Guilt and Shame simply unbearable. In my case, and I suspect in many of yours, when the cheater felt Guilt and Shame there was a compulsive need to put distance between themselves and those feelings. In my case, and I also suspect in many of yours, my Ex-Husband tried to give me his Guilt and Shame. L wouldn’t leave because that would mean losing the house they shared and she just didn’t want to do that. She also wouldn’t leave because if the AP didn’t leave his wife, S was plan B. S wouldn’t leave because he loved her and couldn’t understand how things had changed so fast nor why she suddenly resented him so much. They fought every single week; screaming matches. L continued the affair while S spiraled into desperation and sadness. I loved both of them so much but out of loyalty to L, I did not reach out to S even though I sympathized with him so much more and had even asked her if I could. I knew what he was going through. So many times I wanted to reach out and didn’t. So many conversations with L that made me want to gouge my eyes out — the secrecy, how snowflake love the AP and she had, how much she hated S’s behavior.I mean, I guess we can never really tell what actually went on, but there is no way I believe it was entirely one sided on his part. Yeah, I’m probably biased against some of the money-hungry young assistants out there, but oh well, what can you do? He gave away his family because he is “An old man flattered by the attentions of a beautiful young woman?” Wow. Makes us old men sound really stupid and powerless. I am obviously a flawed human. So you see, she had to cheat, but… it’s true “two wrongs don’t make a right” (this is how she would end listing my flaws as an explanation for cheating: “two wrongs don’t make a right”. How’s that for manipulative?). Is that a cheater thing or a guy thing? I’ve always been terrified of STD, but xH never seemed to care.