There are many thoughts running around in my head about this book and it's hard to decide how to write a review without sounding completely insensitive. If this were a real life account of a rape survivor, then things would be different. Every survivor has their own story to tell, each equally valid, and they don't owe anyone an interesting, convincing account of it. Fiction, though, is a little bit different.

It felt like a very natural progression for me, moving from visual art to writing. I always wrote--a lot of journaling, poetry, that sort of thing. And when I got out of college and grad school, I found that for the first time in many years, I no longer had a studio space to create art in, so I started going smaller and smaller with my artwork, incorporating mixed media and pieces of my writing and poetry into the art I was making, until writing ended up becoming my main creative outlet. this book shares the unforgettable story of a young woman as she struggles to find strength in the aftermath of an assault. eden's whole life changes the night her brother's best friend rapes her. told over the course of four years, we get to see how eden cope's with her trauma and grows as a person. Caelin raises his head and narrows his eyes at me as I cautiously approach the dining room. He can see it. I knew he would see it right away. If anyone was going to notice—if I could count on anyone—it would be my big brother. “Okay, you’re being really weird and intense right now,” he announces. He could tell because he always knew me even better than I knew myself. The lovely young lady gets raped by the best friend of his brother. Thirteen years old. How a brief period of time—just five minutes—can completely alter your personality and transform you into someone you never would have imagined becoming.The things that she did and her way of coping was annoyingly painful. I wanted to grab her by the shoulders and tell her to speak up, tell them. But i just watched her suffer and hurt everyone around her until she was left all alone💔 Seriously, what are you staring at?” he mumbles with his mouth full of pancake, in that familiar brotherly, you’re-the-stupidest-person-on-the-face-of-the-earth tone he had perfected over the years. The book is carved into four parts: freshman, sophomore, junior, and senior year. In these sections, Eden makes new friends and loses them, and complicates all of her relationships with her trauma. Because she never tells anyone what happened to her, people don't know why she's acting the way she does, and sometimes the effects are heartbreaking. I honestly had a tightness in my chest when I finished because I was so worried about the outcome, but it ended up being kind of bittersweet. That's why I think this is a book for older teens as opposed to younger ones: the heroine isn't as likable as heroines of other rape-focused books, like JUST LISTEN or SPEAK, and the morality isn't quite as clear-cut, nor is the ending quite as satisfying. All that said, what’s my issue? The other characters may be shallow and the pacing off, but that should be the end of it if Eden’s story is valid, right?

this talks about the effects rape can have. over a timeline of 4 years, we see how our main character develops. how her relationships with basically everything changes, including friends, family, love, sex, new acquaintances, school, just her entire life. Stories like Eden’s need to be told. They need to be told more than once. Books like this need to exist. And stories like this, stories this sensitive and courageous and breathtaking, need to be told by authors as tremendously talented as Amber Smith, authors who aren’t afraid to channel all of the emotions, all of the devastation, authors who can be both fragile and bold. The story follows a girl named Eden. She was always good at being good, even after starting high school. But the night her brother's best friend Kevin rapes her, her entire world capsizes. Everything she thought she knew was a lie, and everyone she thought she trusted ended up betraying her. What - and who- she once loved, she now hates. Nothing in her life makes sense anymore, and Eden can't bring herself to tell anyone what happened. So she buries the girl she once was - the way she used to be. Eden is thrown into a vortex of hatred, both for her abuser and herself, and this changes her completely. This book is told in four parts - freshman, sophomore, junior, and senior year, revealing the deep cuts of trauma. As part of my work with UN Women, I have started reading as many books and essays about equality as I can get my hands on. There is so much amazing stuff out there! Funny, inspiring, sad, thought-provoking, empowering! I’ve been discovering so much that, at times, I’ve felt like my head was about to explode… I decided to start a Feminist book club, as I want to share what I’m learning and hear your thoughts too.

I was supposed to get up, get dressed, and sit down to breakfast with my family. Then after breakfast, I would promptly go to my bedroom and finish any homework I hadn’t finished Friday night, sure to pay special attention to geometry. I would practice that new song we learned in band, call my best friend, Mara, maybe go to her house later, and do dozens of other stupid, meaningless tasks. In the bathroom, I carefully peel off my nightgown, holding it at arm’s length as I ball it up and stuff it in the garbage can under the sink. I adjust my glasses and examine myself more closely. There are a few faint marks on my throat in the shape of his fingers. But they’re minor, really, in comparison to the ones on my body. No bruises on my face. Only the two-inch scar above my left eye from my bike accident two summers ago. My hair is slightly more disastrous than usual, but essentially I look the same—I can pass. In the first few chapters I loved loved Edy my heart felt for her. But then I just felt pity to look that Eden, she was completely transformed into this person who dealt with things other way and I did not liked that at all. I get her and why she did those things.😭

LASTLY KEVIN YOU MF I HATE YOU SO MUCH I WISH I WISH UGH I WANT TO TORTURE HIM TO DEATH. NOPE DEATH WOULD BE TOO EASY FOR HIM. I'LL JUST LEAVE HIM TO ROT TO DEATH Then my mom shakes the robe at me, offering me a lie I didn’t even need to think up. She starts getting that look in her eye—that impatient, it’s-the-holidays-and-I-don’t-have-time-for-this look. Clearly, it was time for me to get going so she could deal with this mess. And clearly, nobody was going to hear me. Nobody was going to see me—he knew that. He had been around long enough to know how things work here.It felt like a very natural progression for me, moving from visual art to writing. I always wrote--a lot of j …more What great questions--thanks for asking! This is such a lovely novel, full of real, raw emotions that will make you cry, feel sorry for the characters, and feel for them. Don’t be embarrassed,” she says with a laugh. “It’s fine, really, I promise.” She stands over me, looking taller than she ever has before, handing me my robe, oblivious of my Tuesday underwear crumpled at her feet. The way she was looking at herself like she’s this disgusting,worthless,ugly human being really broke my heart 💔 It was too much being in her head and seeing how she was so fragile and vulnerable on the inside but pretending to be mean and tough on the outside. I just want justice for her. She deserves everything 🫂 CW: rape *graphic* (Additionally, there is quite a lot of -consensual- sex and substance use throughout the novel)

there are just little things that smith adds to her writing that just seems to make this story that much more real. for example, eden barely ever says the name of the boy who raped her. whether it is out of denial or just genuine fear, i dont know. but i do know that it was a great way of subtly expressing her trauma. As the novel continues through Eden’s 4 years of high school, it subtly (and not so subtly) shows how the rape changed her forever. Now, obviously, anyone would be a different person after such a traumatic event. That being said, it doesn’t mean I have to like the changed person afterwards. My example being: Eden. I thought she was fine in the beginning, but the person she turned into was terrible and heartbreaking. I didn’t like her at all. Not only that, but alongside her terrible character, I noticed that some of the chapters were not nearly as good as the others—noticeably so.

Though it promises a look at a rape survivor over time, it instead skips important plot points that shows the gradual downslide (like when Eden started calling her parents by their names and not "Mom" and "Dad"), preferring to skip to the angst. I hate all of this happened to Edy. If she would have only told when it happened, but we are not all the same. Some have to hide it, feel like they have to at any rate. Please don't hide this girls, call the cops, get it out. YOU WILL NEVER BE ALONE IN THIS FIGHT! The pacing in some parts of the books was too fast. We were robbed for many of the important scenes! When and how she started calling her parents by their names not Mom and Dad. eden was so so so well written and being in her head was such a surreal experience. i really loved how amber smith displayed eden's different coping mechanisms. a lot of the mental health books ive read focus on self harm - which is obviously such an important and relevant topic, but i think that media forgets to portray the other ways that rape survivors cope, this is what amber excelled at. eden struggled with drinking, drugs, sex, and overall being kinda mean. of course there were times that i was frustrated with her, but i never forgot that this was her way of dealing with everything and i was in no position to judge.