Rewards don’t need to be things. Tangible items are nice, but non-physical things can be just as wonderful, and they don’t require any money spent. Personally, I prefer these type of rewards, especially when they aren’t expected. They take thought and consideration. When a Dominant takes the time to think of these things, they have learned how the submissive will respond. They really understand her. This is a high degree of intimacy between the couple. I like someone who is self-assured and can command a presence,’ she says. ‘I like someone with a dark side. Not a dark side as in, their personality shows red flags, but someone who can do some nasty, amazing things to me.’ Some males might choose to keep their submissive tendencies private due to the prevalence of toxic masculinity; the concept of how a ‘real man’ should act, look and think,’ Coates agrees. ‘Traditionally masculine traits such as dominance, great sexual performance and strength don’t conventionally fit with being a submissive partner, though there’s nothing to suggest that a submissive partner can’t be great in bed or a strong-minded individual.’ Yet, I can recognize the value of having such strictness. Because I don't ever have to question His motives, I am very secure in my place as His. I know, without a doubt, that He strives to make me perfect for Him, that His reactions to my behavior are for His benefit, and therefore, my benefit. That is comforting.

providing more information to their dominant (eg explaining why they practically cannot do something they have just asked). Atonement / closure: submissives are often driven by the need to please and knowing they displeased their dominant can be difficult to put to bed. Punishment can offer closure – a clear, easy means of atoning for whatever it is, allowing them to move on. Anything later than a day often misses the goal of teaching the sub so they learn to never do it again. Subs need to also see that their Doms care enough about the relationship to take the time to discipline them. If a Dom ignores bad behavior or puts off (or neglects) submissive punishments, the sub can feel insignificant or unimportant.

That said, there are also plenty of subs who would feel hurt and ill treated if the punishment was disproportionately harsh. So, consider what would fit the needs of your submissive better – proportional or non-proportional punishment. The power of ritualised protocol Punishments, on the other hand, are generally substantive parts of power exchange dynamics. They are distinct from funishment, in that they genuinely serve to discourage the behaviour they are the consequence of. I would say that punishment broadly has four key roles: I don’t ever see myself moving away from being in a sub domme relationship,’ he says. ‘I would just like it to be more accepted. I just think that just because I’m a male, that shouldn’t just mean I’m the dominant one. I would just like to think that males can be submissive if they want to. Women can be dominant if they want to as well.

For Monieau, she stresses there’s a difference in terms of what she wants in physical sensations and her emotional, core desires. The perceived small quantity of male subs may stem from how the current cultural dialogue imposes gender stereotypes in which men should be in charge, while women are expected to be submissive. As I grew older, I came to terms with conventional ideas of male and female roles. I became a full-on feminist. It’s like I did a 180, which ended up being a 360. Verbal rewards- Personally speaking, a “good girl” or “princess” will put me into the happy I want to serve my Dom place faster than anything else.For now, Daniel is going to keep exploring his kink in a safe environment, meeting up with women who are more than willing to dominate him – and hopes that eventually, society will be more accepting of men who wish to explore a submissive kink. Every time a rule is broken, it should be crystal clear what the consequence was. Ensure both of you understand which rules can result in which specific punishments.

Safewords give subs control over all play. Despite subs’ nominal subservience, the core irony of BDSM play is that the subs are always in charge, thanks to safe words. If subs feel uneasy, they might say “yellow light,” meaning they’d like to stay in role but discuss their ambivalence. If subs feel threatened, they might say “red light.” Role-playing ends. The action stops. And participants reconsider their agreements.Like I noted earlier, a submissive “allows” a Dominant to discipline or correct her. However, this “allowance” has to be set up well before it even becomes a thing. It’s not like a Dominant asks whether he can punish a sub: “You were naughty, can I spank you now?” No. That would not be Dom-ly behavior. A Dom doesn’t ask permission. But a Dom and sub DO negotiate and create agreements or contracts that include expectations and consequences ( see yesterday’s post “ Contracts and Negotiations in D/s Relationships”). In this way, a sub does agree to be punished. But once the contract or agreement is in use, the Dom does not ask, and the sub does not say no. She simply takes the consequence. If she does not agree with it, that is a conversation that can be had, but not at the time of correction. There’s always a “safe word” to stop the action RIGHT NOW if things get to that point, but it is the job of the Dom to enforce the rules, and the responsibility of the sub to accept that. Understanding the why behind the rules helps absolve the Dominant from feeling guilty from following through with the agreed upon consequence for breaking the rule. One way that you can do that is to use positive reinforcement when the submissive is following the rules. Positive reinforcement can be as effective as corporal punishment. Rewards can be used as motivators. As a submissive myself, nothing makes me happier than pleasing my Dominant. If I please him, then he reciprocates with more doting behavior. He delights in making me happy. So if I follow the rules, he rewards me. It makes me want to keep behaving. Positive reinforcement works best for me. How do you want to feel while you are punishing / being punished? How do you want your partner to feel? It may sound silly to say ‘I want you to feel punished’ or something similar, but it can go a long way to getting what you want – the person best placed to guide you in what will be most effective for your partner will be your partner. Submissives have to work on themselves first,’ she explains. ‘A lot of subs fall into the trap of wanting a dominant to basically just fix all their problems.

But what is life (and sex) like for a woman who is firmly entrenched in the BDSM community as a submissive? Well, according to one sub called Monieau, it’s far from what misconceptions and stereotypes would lead outsiders to believe. It’s important to establish clear boundaries and limits with your partner before engaging in BDSM play. If you’re uncomfortable with a particular sub punishment, it’s important to communicate this to your partner and to negotiate a punishment that you both find acceptable. How Can I Communicate My Limits and Boundaries to My Partner? Remember and have a think about how disagreement or dealing with emotion looks in your relationship – do you usually need space? Does your partner? Do you need to talk everything through before the emotions can be resolved? One of the biggest components of BDSM is that the relationship consists of a Dominant and a submissive. This is actually the cornerstone of this lifestyle. A Dominant will take control of the submissive. The extent of control is discussed and agreed upon between the two parties before any play time can happen. This might seem like a question with one answer. But in reality, the role of submissive punishment in your dynamic will be somewhat nuanced and personal to you.The misunderstandings around what it means to be a male submissive can lead to awkwardness when expressing your kink with a new partner who may not necessarily be part of the BDSM world. Have a look at the list of roles of punishment above – if you’re thinking about punishment, probably at least one of the points resonates with you. That’s a good place to start a discussion. Perhaps you have some other ideas or previous experiences – the important point is, have something a bit more specific to start the conversation rather than just ‘punishment’. On the other hand, if a sub has committed a major offense, corporal submissive punishment will probably be required. Quite a few times I’ve gained my Dom’s disapproval so much to make him spank me so long and hard that I’ve bawled into my pillow. One-quarter (27%) said their preferred pain propelled them into a trance-like altered state involving deep relaxation, almost mystical contentment, a sensation of floating outside their bodies achieving oneness with the universe. Subs have a word for this—“subspace.” “It’s meditative.” “I feel all floaty and spacey.” “I go on ‘vacation’ mentally to a place where I feel everything but nothing hurts.”