To make matters worse, much of the work I was struggling to do was unpaid. I was getting into debt because my to-do list was so full that I was turning down paid work. Maurice Mcleod, a writer and local councillor, found that his inability to say “no” caused him serious problems when he went freelance about a decade ago. He took on so many projects and agreed to do so many favours that, he says, he was living with “a constant feeling of unease and panic. Every time the phone rang, I’d think: ‘Oh my God, who’s that, what haven’t I done?’ It was this constant feeling of letting people down.” He took on so much unpaid work that he had to refuse work that was paid, got into debt, and realised the only way out was to just say “no”. It is no surprise to me that this is the focus of the current wave of “how can I fix my life” angst. The wish to say no instead of saying yes, to stay in instead of going out, to discard instead of to accumulate – these are all logical responses to our feelings of being overstretched, overtired and overwhelmed. Clinical psychologist Rachel Andrew says she sees this in many forms in her consulting room, with patients saying life is too stressful and too pressured, or describing themselves as detached and their lives as meaningless and unsustainable. It seems it is more complicated to experience “#Jono” than Harding suggests in her book, which is full of sentences such as: “Ditch the guilt.” Reader, at this my laughter was bitter and hollow.

As I became a freelance writer, then a company director, some of the offers became career opportunities. Again, saying yes by default worked like a dream. It put me in rooms I could never have imagined being in and won me contracts I had no right to win. Even having no money was kind of liberating – it meant I couldn’t lose anything. And it turns out that being able to say ‘no’ is a vital skill for work success. In his new book Great at Work: How Top Performers Work Less and Achieve More, based on a survey of 5,000 employees and managers in which work practices were charted against results, author Morten T. Hansen has distilled the findings into ‘work-smart’ practices. The first step, he found, is to have the courage and discipline to focus on very few key tasks, and go all-in on those. Managers need to become ‘do-less bosses’ who listen to employees when they say that giving them more work is counterproductive. And employees need to get better at saying ‘no’. There’s a trap many people discover when they transition to retirement: saying yes to0 soon or too often. The problem? Your hard-earned freedom can be squeezed by commitments to other people’s needs, not your true priorities. Natalie Lue discusses her new book The Joy of Saying No and the specific challenges faced by people pleasers. She’s found that there are five distinct types, and each one comes with it’s own challenges. What boundaries might be wise to set in 2023? Listen in to my conversation with Natalie Lue for sound advice. Wise Quotes On Why We Say Yes – When We Really Want to Say No“I think a lot of the time we say yes because we are on some level afraid of what will happen if we say no. And that might be a very conscious thought in that moment, but often it’s more of a feeling that we have that we just almost automatically respond to it by saying yes.We like to make people feel good, and that means different things to different people. But in that moment, even though we might already know, I really, really don’t want to do that, we make that person feel good by letting them believe that that’s what we want to do. We like that. We like being thought of as nice and helpful and as unselfish and good. And these prompt us to say one thing on the outside and have a totally different thing going on internally. I think it is a habit.” On Boundaries“I wrote this book because I genuinely had discovered the healing and transformative power of saying no and having boundaries. And I make a point of saying that because I think that people see boundaries as saying no and telling people what to do. And a big thing that I learned about having boundaries was boundaries are about being more of who you really are. Because then we’re operating from a place of integrity, authenticity, and honesty.” On Your People Pleaser Entourage“What people discover when they start saying no is that they possibly have a people pleaser entourage, certain people in their life who benefit from them not saying no. Celebrities sometimes have that group of hanger-ons. And even though they’re blowing all their money none of these hanger-ons point that out because they don’t want to stop the gravy train. So a lot of people pleasers discover there are certain people who are really reliant on you just going along with things and that can feel very uncomfortable initially. What they also discover though is that a lot of the things that they were nervous about saying no to aren’t really that big of a deal.” It is interesting to see the reasoning of these people through the eyes of the author who initially speaks from experience and I feel that this makes it powerfully helpful to those who really need advice regarding how to set limits and above all start Say no to things you don't agree with.

If you provide a ‘because’, you have more chance of the person accepting. Even if it’s an utterly random reason, people are less likely to argue with it. But if you give a list of reasons, it undermines you. AND…REPEAT

PDF / EPUB File Name: The_Joy_of_Saying_No_-_Natalie_Lue.pdf, The_Joy_of_Saying_No_-_Natalie_Lue.epub If you do have conflicting priorities, the most assertive position to take with your boss is to state, ‘I have this deadline and this deadline, and my recommendation is to focus on this one first’. In this way, you’re showing that you’re in complete charge of your time and priorities, rather than handing that decision to them. GIVE A REASON The mantra that you should say yes to everything is nothing new (much like the cliche about asking for forgiveness, not permission, although that doesn’t sound so good in the post-Weinstein era). “If someone offers you an amazing opportunity and you are not sure you can do it, say yes. Then learn how to do it later,” Richard Branson once said. I’ve recently discovered that it can be really empowering to reply in the negative. Ever tried it? I recommend it.Podcast Episodes You May Enjoy Chatter & Your Inner Voice – Ethan Kross Everyday Vitality – Dr. Samantha Boardman Plays Well with Others – Eric Barker The Emotional Side of Retiring – Kate Schroeder In het tweede deel gaat Natalie Lue dieper in op het aspect van de verschillende soorten pleasers. Ze deelt deze op in vijf verschillende soorten; het 'goede' doen, je best doen, vermijden, redden, lijden. Deze vijf verschillende types diept ze, hierbij gaat ze ook op zoek naar de achterliggende reden van dit gedrag. Ook de verschillende praktijkvoorbeelden, zorgen ervoor dat je een goed en volledig beeld krijgt van de verschillende soorten pleasers die er zijn. Vooral dit was voor mij erg leerzaam. Ik weet nu overduidelijk welk type ik ben en waar het gedrag vandaan komt.