Ugly: Giving us back our beauty standards

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Ugly” is such a loaded word, isn't it? And interestingly, it's an insult that's rarely weaponised against men… I’ve also undergone hypnosis and done years of talk therapy; even my degree in philosophy was all about appearance: “What is the existential definition of beauty in classical art?” my dissertation pondered. Yet, no matter how much time and money I spent, the malaise still lingered, hovering like a dementor ready to snatch my self-esteem at any opportunity.

The author’s pre-set experience has added value to the writing process: ‘I’ve worked on the inside of the industry, I’ve got a very unique insight into how so many parts of it work. The personal experiences I explore in the book bring together the elements of politics, history, science and psychology of beauty standards,’ she explains. For so many of us – myself included – damage was done slowly and stealthily, without anyone realising or taking accountability. Uncovering it feels like an injustice and wake-up call all in one. Ugly isn’t intrinsic – it was planted consistently during our childhoods. To say that realising this feels freeing is an understatement. Rethinking our beauty standards Unfortunately, when beauty standards begin to change, the different systems of oppression that control them work harder and they just become more insidious. That's why we need to be able to police them and take ourselves away from things that might be causing us harm. Why did I still feel like this? Something I hadn’t yet identified was keeping me lodged in this web of self-hatred. I was angry at myself, too – I was well versed in how the capitalist patriarchal agenda has used beauty standards against women as a means of controlling us. Logically, I knew I now had permission to embrace my looks, but ugly was so deeply ingrained in me, it wouldn’t let me go. More than anything else I wanted to be free of its clutches, but there was a missing piece to this exhausting puzzle. That’s why it’s become a fascinating subject to me, simply because I’ve never had it – I’ve always felt on the outside of pretty, looking in. This is when I started doing research into where our beauty trends come from and the different things that affect them, from politics to colonisation to class – it was a real turning point for me. That's why I wrote the book, to make sense of that void (or chasm) in the middle."I’ll make a moodboard of beauty and fashion looks I want to try just because I love them and they represent me. And I’ll try one new thing every week. For others it can be trying to access something you’ve always been told you don’t or will never have. Part of my career was definitely driven by being the ‘underdog’ trying to finally feel beautiful and accepted. But for me it was also always about making things more inclusive. I knew women’s magazines could and should be better, more empowering and more inclusive and I wanted to drive that agenda forward." 5. The more we learn, the more we can empower others I then made a pivotal life choice. Where is the worst place you can imagine a broken human obsessed with being thin and beautiful and never quite measuring up might find themselves? You guessed it: women’s fashion magazines. She continues, “It’s also no mistake that women are bombarded with antiaging messaging in their mid-20s to 30s—a time when people are generally stepping into their power, gaining more confidence, and earning more money. Imagine if women retained the money, time, energy, effort, and brain space they dedicate to physical beauty from age 25 on? The force of that power would threaten to destroy the sexist, patriarchal structures our society is built upon.”

I know I’d like to find another way to approach ageing that’s akin to my mum’s perspective; one that means a birthday milestone feels like a gain and not a loss (for my self-worth or my collagen levels). I want to age with hope, freedom and joy for what’s to come, and to free up that part of my brain that was reserved for ‘anti-ageing’ to celebrate myself, my evolving appearance and the privilege of living. As an adult, I’ve tried diligently to “fix” my “ugly” problem. As the saying goes, God loves a trier, and I tried hard – so I’m definitely going to heaven. I’ve embarked on multiple extreme diets, cleanses and detox retreats; I’ve taken appetite suppressants and spent endless hours researching various weight-loss surgeries. I have obsessed over beauty products, techniques and treatments. Being a child, I didn’t have the words to identify the feeling but, decades later, I can still feel its searing intensity. I now recognise it as shame; it was the first moment that I felt “different” from those around me, in a way that I could identify as negative. A seed of anguish was planted. From that moment on, every time a classmate said my frizzy hair was horrible or my arms were hairy, or I was told by a playmate that her mum said she couldn’t play with me any more because I was brown, my feeling of otherness grew. As did my sense of ugliness. She kind of lost me with the yoga bit. I understand her frustration with the cultural appropriation aspect but yoga without the spiritual aspect has a place - especially for us atheists who could benefit from the physical movement aspects of the practice. Perhaps not calling it yoga, as such would be more appropriate. This aim is matched by the title’s impact. Each chapter delves into a different intersection of beauty standards – from age to body size, race to pretty privilege – and the unrealistic expectations within them. Bhagwandas says she loves a “practical tip”, which was the reasoning behind ending each chapter with a helpful set of questions to take forward. Is there one overarching practical tip someone could take from Ugly?

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Female beauty continues to be a source of conflict and issue – because over time it just comes out in a new iteration. That is partially why I wrote the book. It's for women to be able to see those patterns and to have a degree of separation so that they can see what's happening.

I can’t help but grieve and be furious that these beauty archetypes made me feel so ugly at such a young age. But at the same time, taking a more critical and challenging perspective on the limited and limiting beauty standards we’ve been force-fed has helped me close that loop of self loathing. You know, the one that tells you you’re not thin/pretty/straight-haired/light-skinned enough to be valuable. The whole point of me including historical research was to show this is happening again and again. Until we know where that comes from and why that happens, it’s really hard to distance and protect yourself from it.” As comprehensive as it was, it only touched upon hirsutism in women. More in this would have been appreciated.I’ll watch one TV show or film a week featuring women older than me who I think are awesome. Or spend time with a friend or family member who fits that bill. Take one of the biggest make-up trends in the past 10 years: contouring. When Kim Kardashian went viral after posting her contouring selfie in 2012, it showed how our faces could be manipulated into looking entirely different with elaborate make-up techniques. Contouring wasn’t new – Max Factor popularised it in the 20s at his Hollywood salon, and movie actors like Vivien Leigh used it in the 30s. Kim Kardashian, centre, was one of the first to make modern contouring techniques popular (Photo: Todd Williamson/E! Entertainment/NBCU Photo Bank/NBCUniversal/Getty) I’ll add 10 women my age or older who embrace their age to my social media feed and remove anyone I compare myself negatively with. Pretty privilege is as complex and in need of continuous evaluation as any deep-rooted societal conditioning" Why is pretty privilege a problem? A good book makes you think and reflect. This book did that for me. I started with skepticism and a touch of boredom. A bit of dismissal and denial followed. But as I kept reading I found my thoughts and attitudes shift. And yes, I even learnt a thing or two. Now that’s a good book!

There’s no doubt that Madonna is a powerful woman—and she regularly channels her power into critiquing the patriarchal structures described by DeFino. Yet, like many female celebrities who use their platforms to speak truth to power, her appearance is often considered fair game. The comments about these women’s appearance is largely due to speculation that they have undergone significant cosmetic procedures; Madonna has never publicly confirmed or denied such rumors about her. We're all told that this is just part of growing up, but it stays with us, evolving as we age. The internet tells us we should love ourselves, whilst bombarding us with images of airbrushed perfection, upholding centuries-old beauty standards which we can't always see. Our beauty rituals are so often based around things we think we need to fix, grow and develop - sometimes tipping into dangerous obsession. Why? Because I don’t feel old and I hate being categorised, but society treats women over 35 as if they don’t exist.

“People are upset by Madonna’s new face because it is, on some level, exposing the truth: that antiaging is an inhuman goal, and attempting to antiage—or age gracefully—actually takes an incredible amount of effort.”

We've all had those moments. The ones where you look in the mirror and nothing feels ok. For Anita Bhagwandas, this started when she was a child and it created an enduring internal torment about her looks. She argues that a “more subversive and effective way to expose the construct of womanhood” would be to “reject the tools of construction, such as cosmetic surgery, entirely. As it is, Madonna is propping up the very systems she claims to be standing up to—ageism, misogyny—by refusing to let her aging female body age visibly.”