You should only have sex with a famous person if you really, really genuinely want to tell people about it afterwards.” – Sara Pascoe My friend of 30 years saw no problem with any of this behavior, married her, and I've not heard from him in a year nor do I wish to. I saw him in the supermarket with his now pregnant wife - and slipped out. I assume at some point she will murder him. A Christian friend of mine said that sex between two men is wrong in their eyes. I said, ‘You’re right, it’s supposed to be up the bum!'” – Gary Delaney I’ve been taking Viagra for my sunburn. It doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night. The only thing I can offer to put ladies at ease is that I am of no sexual threat whatsoever. I’m 42 years of age, I literally have to hit it with nettles. Sex with me these days is akin to thumbing marshmallows into the anus of a cat.” – Greg Davies

Then I went around to the rest of the table and politely inquired as to their meals, if I could get them anything, anything at all. Everyone loved their meals. They loved me. I solicitously fulfilled every request. A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter. He was surprised at the drastic change of subject. He looked down at his half-eaten French Dip. “Uh, it’s good. Real good.”

The one with the gangbang…

Having never seen one before, and being naturally curious, they start sniffing around it. As they’re doing this, one of their tails brushes against the lamp and then there’s a ‘Poof!’ sound.’ A genie is suddenly standing in front of them. I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I’d like a bag. I said “no, I’ll just turn the lights off.” So being concerned about them both, their parents decided to take them to see a child psychologist. Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Many of us like a nice Nicholas-Sparks-level cry from time to time (sharpens those empathy skills, no?). Reading sad short stories can help you release your own emotions, and make you feel more connected to the world around you. Narratives of separation, pain, heartbreak, nostalgia, and loss are undeniably important in bringing people together. Still looking him right in the eye, I smiled and said, with just a bare hint of satisfaction in my voice, “Good.”

An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the bathroom, flings open her robe and yells "Super Pussy!" The old man says "I'll have the soup."

For those that want recommendations from Francesca Simon herself

If you’ve been searching for some short funny stories for adults then here are five that will raise a smile, I’m sure. I’m not proud of these experiences, some were good and fun, some I put myself into danger, and all in all I carry a lot of shame.