Joined in 2023 
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I struggled to understand my cheater, how to parse the self-serving nonsense that came out of his mouth. I was helped enormously by the downloads you had available then, the first 12 things to do and not do after an affair. I am eternally grateful to Tracy Schorn for clearly and thoroughly relating her insights and experiences.
With that being said, I have seen and personally experienced a grace, a forgiveness, a love, a healing, a grateful humility beyond what some experience--pain, anger, bitterness, lacking empathy, hatred, divorce. But it's not just about any cheater it's about the cheater who does not want to stop cheating - who agrees to reconciliation but then repeats the unfaithful behaviour - who has no real remorse for what they've done and no concern for the pain that they cause. Chumps get stuck in these mental ruts of analysis and self-recrimination because that is less frightening than realizing the person you love is capable of casual betrayal. My self-esteem really took a hit after the discovery and being as Type A as I am, I wanted to find any resource I could so I could start feeling better about myself.And this audiobook is a relentless voice in your ear of tough love for guiding you to making it out alive - and well. Since this person is a success story, I really want to know what I can do so my husband stops cheating. I recently recommended this book to a friend and he had the same reactions that I did to the content. It's distorted and unhelpful,unless the cheaters truly are sociopaths malignant narcissists or sadists,to see them as 'absolute' villains. If you’re the person who had to file for divorce, don’t accept the Bad Guy status your kids and your cheating ex may try to inflict on you.
It actually sets people up for failure because they are avoiding the necessary long(er) term hard work that is necessary to emotionally recover. Only in a very, very small percentage of cases does anyone benefit from the attempt except the therapist, who collects fees.The reason how I found it was by typing "how to build your self-esteem after being cheated on books" into Google and this was the first result. I can't believe I gave him 5 months (all of Covid-19 lockdown, thanks 2020) to dither over a decision about our marriage, so glad I finally took control and made it for myself. They did the cost benefit analysis of f*cking around versus your feelings and f*ucking around won out. It has helped me examine what has been done to me and my son, start to really face up to it and has given me a real shove to not let it bloody destroy me. Schorn is unambiguous where other books dance around that feeling inside you that you didn’t ask for this, that the affair partner made their own choices and didn’t handle relationship issues in an honorable way.
When it comes to cheating, a lot of the attention is focused on cheaters - their unmet needs or their challenges with monogamy. Tracy Schorn, a chump who was cheated on leads fellow chumps on a brilliant journey of understanding the world of cheaters and what to do next. Beware the demonization of your cheating spouse because it could hurt you mentally when you are already vulnerable to suggestion.The silver lining has been addressing the ways in which I withdrew from people all my life, which has cleared the way for a better marriage. Those who disagree with my opinion can engage with it, but I'll be stepping away from the attacks from this point on. Many well-meaning people are too quick to direct a betrayed spouse into attempts to save their marriage. When interactions backfire on me, it reinforces what I read in the book and helps me correct my behavior to best benefit me and the outcomes I want for me. My takeaways: I'm not crazy for choosing to move ahead with the divorce and moving out, I can't save this by myself, there is nothing I can say or do that will force him to empathize with what he is putting me through or feel bad for what he's done, and I didn't do anything to make this happen or deserve this.
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