If he’s perfectly happy with the routines of your lives together, he might not understand your disappointment at all, and you can’t just keep waiting for him to take your hints. Forcing a resolution before it comes naturally can only drive a wedge between the two of you. 9) He Hurts You In Little Ways Without Knowing It Find ways to get Dad involved and continue to encourage and reward his engagement with the baby. This means stop criticizing the way he dresses the baby, feeds the baby, or changes a diaper. Dad feeling competent is more important than the baby wearing coordinating outfits. Dunn begins her efforts to change her situation when she realizes that she's reached a breaking point. "Our daughter is now six, and Tom and I still have endless, draining fights. Why do I have the world's tiniest fuse when it comes to the division of childcare and household labor? I am baffled that things have turned out this way." loc 158. In cringe-inducing honesty, Dunn admits to being verbally abusive to her spouse. My stomach actually churned when I read the sorts of things that she'd call him during fights. That part of the memoir made me very glad that she decided she didn't want to live like that because I know that I wouldn't have wanted that either. The Problem: As a kid, you were probably exposed to poor relationships. Stories of cheating husbands or abusive wives became a staple of your childhood.

I have a master's degree in music therapy, which means I've taken quite a number of college level classes on counseling and psychology. In addition to my formal education, for fun I've read books on relationships, marriage, and parenting, in addition to counseling and psychology books for general audiences. A friend of mine recently said, about her husband and new baby girl, “He would take a bullet for this kid, but he might forget to put a hat on her.” Remember that social pipeline of information? He doesn’t have it, and if you don’t let him learn, you’re engaging in “maternal gatekeeping,” or keeping him from participating in the nitty-gritty of childcare. Intimacy is far more important than most people realize. As a new parent, learning how not to hate your spouse after kids has a lot to do with sex. Immediately after giving birth, sex might seem laborious and at times impossible. However, if this becomes a standing trend, it will start to dampen the best parts of your relationship.

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Dunn suggests dividing housework based on who likes or loathes what chores—her own husband hates the grocery store (“the crowds, the florescent lighting, whereas I like seeing the new products and thinking about what I’m going to cook”) so food shopping has become her responsibility. He’s compulsively punctual, so he’s in charge of all things time-sensitive, like bill-paying and taking his daughter to her classes. When I first brought it home from the library, Bart raised an eyebrow and said, “I’m not sure what I think about that book.” So building that bridge between you and your man needs to start with small things, and it needs to start from a place where both of you accept that you want to make each other happy. The important thing is to approach this from a place of compassion. Treat this as neutral ground where both of you can openly and safely contribute opinions. 8) He Hurt You In A Big Way That You Just Can’t Forgive Plus, leaving is a great way to get Dad involved in those early months without having someone critique the way he does things. Say “thank you” a lot

Hilarious.... This truly fascinating text is delightful. One of the best books on the subject. Highly recommended." But what, you ask, if your husband doesn’t want to do any domestic labor? What if he’s content to let you be the maker of the grocery lists and the keeper of the pediatrician appointments, summer camps, play dates and special laundry instructions? Then, Dunn, says, you are going to have to learn to ... So make an important decision and play a more active role in the decision-making process, until he can’t ignore you and eventually seeks your input every time. 7) You Have a Dysfunctional Idea Of What a Marriage Should BeGiving your all to your child is expected of every parent. However, it’s entirely normal to need some time for yourself as well. Dunn learned the compelling research finding that babies as young as six months release a stress hormone when they hear their parents fighting (and Brain Rules for Baby, the first baby book I read, would suggest the impact starts even younger). Yell Electronically There’s no reason as to why you should have to deal with unnecessary stress during the most exciting years of your life. For this reason, it’s better to seek the guidance you need before your relationship becomes unrecognizable. Final Thoughts When life becomes too much to bear, even the presence of the person you love starts feeling like an intrusion.

But these days it feels like he couldn’t care less about what you really want, and maybe, as a reaction, you treat him the same way. When you start having the conversation of having children with your husband, it’s common to only focus on the positives. The joy of bringing another person into the world and teaching them right from wrong is the most selfless and beautiful thing you can do. I was quoting this book so often to my husband he’s decided he’s going to read it, which I’m thrilled about. After all, you could compromise your wants and needs for him, simply because you preferred the happiness of a calm and harmonious relationship over the constant disagreements over meaningless things. From the beginning, set a schedule to where you each get a certain amount of time off. It doesn’t mean that you need a whole weekend to yourself, but half a day should be more than sufficient. Don’t Be Afraid to Schedule SexYou look at yourself in the mirror and you no longer see the person you once was. Suddenly your individuality no longer feels resolute, complete. If you feel your husband hasn’t been pulling his weight or trying hard enough, don’t hesitate to demand more. Dunn and her husband went to couples therapy—and even consulted with an FBI crisis negotiator—to learn to fight fair, and to fight away from their daughter. They learned techniques such as “mirroring,” when the person echoes what the other person just said, and paraphrasing the gist of their complaint. She said, “And sometimes you have to laugh because the paraphrasing is wildly off—‘You’re angry because I stepped around you while you were emptying the dishwasher’—‘No, I’m angry because you stood there jingling your keys and saying let’s go instead of offering to help.’” There are great tips in here for any couple, ranging from communication to time and money management. But one big disappointment with the book is that the subject is explored through the lens of the author's personal life -- entertaining and readable to be sure, but potentially alienating to readers of different socioeconomic status.

This part memoir, part self-help book is designed for anyone who's ever gone through the relationship shake-up that is parenting a child."— Nancy Schatz Alton, Parent Map The book is steeped in sociological and scientific research on how men's and women's roles have changed (and not) in family life, and it's also hilarious. As Dunn and her husband take a bumpy ride through therapy, research and in-home experiments in an effort to make their family life equitable and peaceful again, you'll learn a little, and laugh a lot."— The Seattle Times, best books of 2018You have to ask yourself if you are willing to change one of your beliefs for the sake of your marriage. Is your marriage worth fighting for?