Lord Farquaad: Oh, this is precious. (laughs) The ogre has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs) Lord Farquaad: This hocus-pocus alters nothing! This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See?! See?! He opens the front door and throws Big Bad Wolf out. He sees that a horde of fairytale creatures have set up camp in his swamp) Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merrymen pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing along with Monsieur Hood) The mascot screams at the sight of Shrek and begins running through the roped path to get to the front gate)

Lord Farquaad: That champion shall have the honor-- no, no -- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place. And so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. Magic Mirror: Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on, give it up for Snow White! Do you love musicals and want to work at MTI? We're searching for a new Licensing Assistant / Receptionist. Shrek shakes his head and takes off his helmet and reveals his ogre self. Fiona looks at him blankly, confused but not frightened. Shrek awkwardly grins)Lord Farquaad: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have at him! Lord Farquaad: Beast, I'll make you regret the day we met! I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! He gestures at the skeleton of a knight laying against the wall, a charred outline of a man burned into the stone behind it)

Guard: (Taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) Donkey looks suspiciously over at the large pile of firewood already piled up. Shrek sits on the hill and gazes out at Duloc until nightfall) Magic Mirror: What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess.Shrek: No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he throws away the onion and walks off) Donkey: Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. Look I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just, just call me old-fashioned. I don't want to rush into a... a physical relationship. I'm not...not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this, uh - - "magnitude" really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude. They are both startled by Donkey's interruption. Donkey, with the flower dropped at his feet, gives them a suggestive look) Donkey: No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon growls) Oh, what large teeth you have! (the dragon roars) I mean white, sparkling teeth! Hours have passed and Fiona has calmed down. She hangs limply while Shrek carries her and Donkey walks behind them)

Donkey: Hmm? With Shrek? You think --who, whoa, wait a sec. You think that Shrek is your true love? Lord Farquaad: Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me--for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I am Lord Farquaad. Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing)Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. The pair walk off into the night with Shrek's torch lighting the way)

Shrek: Yeah, well, maybe you're right, princess. But I'll let you do the..." measuring"...when you see him tomorrow. Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous that you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. The guests party and dance as Donkey takes over singing The Monkees song. Shrek and Fiona ride away in their carriage. Cut to a storybook that reads "And they lived ugly ever after...THE END". Fiona stands with her arm on Shrek's, but Donkey butts in-between them. They both shrug at each other)

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Donkey: All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, ok, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7. Shrek: They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. Shrek and Donkey are now walking through the fields heading away from Duloc. Shrek is munching on an onion) Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make (gasps, seeing the skeleton of a horse). Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. Donkey: (nervously to himself) Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down.