Most importantly, when he knows you won’t shoot an arrow inhis Achilles’ heel, he can let down his guard. Having that sense ofsafety will make it possible for him to share his innermost thoughts with you, and that’s where you’ll find intimacy. He may speak about the values he hopes to impart to the children, what he’simagining the two of you will do when you’re old, or tell you about how he lost a dog he loved as a kid. He might talk about what he imagines it would be like to live on a ranch, go to the moon or add a second story to the house. Intimacy is made up of lots oflittle tender conversations—sometimes silly, sometimes solemn—that he wouldn’t have with anyone else in the world. In fact, the actual details of the conversation are less important than the fact that the conversation is happening and connecting you spiritually.

One woman complained to me that her husband had called her terrible names while they argued and that his verbal abuse was simply intolerable. As we talked some more, she told me some of the dreadful things she had said to him during this same argument. At first, she objected to the idea of apologizing for her disrespect because he had not yet apologized. Those of us who have trouble trusting others when every rational indicator says that we are safe are reacting to our own fear. We may be afraid that we won't get what we need, or that we'll get it too late. We may fear that we'll spend too much money, or have to do extra work. It could be, and often is, that we fear loneliness, boredom, or discomfort. If you are like me and find yourself driven to correct, criticize, and conquer a partner, then you are reacting to your fears. Whatever the situation, if you do not react to your fear of the outcome, you don't need to try to dominate, manipulate, or control it. Sometimes the things that we're most attracted to at first become the things we find most irritating later on. Maybe you think he's irresponsible now, but at first you enjoyed his great sense of fun. Perhaps you were impressed with his success in business and now you wonder why you married a workaholic. Even a man who was always a terrific lover might now seem like a man who only ever thinks about sex. Nothing's changed about your husband but your perspective. Just as fish are always the last to discover they are in the ocean, those of us who survive by trying to control things around us are often the last to recognize our behavior. We tell ourselves that we are trying to instruct, improve, help others, or do things efficiently -- never that we are so afraid of the unpredictable that we do everything in our power to ensure a certain outcome. If you're thinking your husband is different, think again. If he hasn't made any effort on your behalf in a long time, perhaps he has lost faith in his ability to delight you.Unfortunately, the reality of my control was dreary. Instead of having more romance, I had a distant husband. Instead of more money, I had a resentful husband. Instead of a cleaner house, I had wall-to-wall hostility.

Are you dismissing the talents he brings to the relationship because you don't see them as valuable? If that's the case, then you're missing out on one of the biggest gifts of marriage -- having reinforcements in the areas where you're weak, and the benefit of two perspectives. If you still think your husband is not as smart or capable as you, ask yourself why you married him. Answering that question will remind you that those traits are right before your very eyes, and that they're there for your benefit.Once when Janet's husband was rushing around in a panic like a little boy who needed his mother to help him find his shirt, she found herself watching him with amusement, detachment and even a sense of smugness. "It's not my job to rescue him," she told herself. The woman is the fiber of the nation. She is the producer of life. A nation is only as good as its women.” —MUHAMMAD ALI”